Can A Relationship Be Stronger After An Affair?

couple sitting on couch across from therapist

Can A Relationship Be Stronger After An Affair?

Infidelity is an enormously impactful rupture that can threaten to unravel even the longest-standing relationships, in often what may seem like the blink of an eye. Each partner will likely face their own unique set of challenges as they navigate the rocky terrain of recovery. 

Navigating An Emotional Roller Coaster

The fallout from an affair can trigger a whirlwind of emotions—anger, sadness, jealousy, betrayal, fear, confusion, and grief for the partner who was betrayed. The partner who engaged in the affair can also struggle with their own shame, frustration, and difficulty experiencing and absorbing all of their partner’s emotions.  

How couples handle the aftermath of an affair can depend on cultural, religious, and other factors. However, many couples seek out a couples therapist to help navigate the process of moving forward, whether that means repairing and moving on together or ultimately going separate ways. Research has shown that spousal infidelity is the most common reason for couples to break up. In addition to possibly leading to a break up, partners’ overall emotional wellbeing can take a deep dive, leading to symptoms of depression and self-esteem challenges. The good news is that relationships often can recover from infidelity, if both partners are willing to put in the effort to make it work. 

Understanding Infidelity & How To Move Forward After An Affair

In this blog, we’ll explore why people cheat, how therapy can help repair ruptured relationships, and whether or not relationships can actually be stronger after an affair. It’s important to note that by asking whether a relationship can be even better for both partners after healing happens post-affair, we are certainly not suggesting that partners can work to improve their relationships by first having an affair. Rather, we are suggesting that underneath affairs are often problems in a relationship that when unearthed can lead to great healing. Most importantly, for those who are currently going through post-infidelity work, it can be helpful to see that there is the possibility of light at the end of the tunnel. 

Why People Cheat

To dig deeper into how to recover from an affair, it’s necessary to explore why people cheat in the first place. Understanding why the infidelity occurred is the first step in getting into the root causes of the rupture. 

There are many singular reasons why infidelity can occur in a relationship and sometimes there are several intersecting reasons we can point to. For example, opportunity is a factor, but just because someone has a chance to engage in an affair does not mean they will choose to. Low self-esteem can also be a factor, but not everyone with low self-esteem will make the choice to be unfaithful to their partner. However, if someone with low self-esteem feels disconnected from their partner and is with someone else who is making them feel desirable may be more likely to feel tempted to cheat. 

Other common factors can include:

Each person is unique; just because some or even all of these factors are present does not mean they are guaranteed to cheat. It’s also important to note that infidelity can be sexual or it can be emotional. When one partner becomes emotionally attached to someone outside of the relationship, it can create just as much or even more damage. To many people, being emotionally intimate with another person is significantly more upsetting than a single sexual encounter.   

The Role of Therapy After An Affair

Couples therapy can be a valuable resource for those dealing with the repercussions of infidelity. It provides a structured, supportive environment where partners can work on rebuilding trust, improving communication, and addressing underlying issues. Therapy helps couples process their emotions, deepen their intimacy, and address past grievances. By working through these challenges with a trained therapist, couples can often repair the damage done by infidelity and foster healthier relationship dynamics.

A skilled couples therapist can offer impartial insights and facilitate effective communication between partners. They help the couple understand their needs, rebuild trust, and navigate the healing process. This might include addressing unhealthy patterns like codependency or emotional abuse and helping the betrayed partner deal with feelings of self-blame. 

Couples therapy often involves exercises to strengthen emotional and sexual connections and develop healthier relationship habits. Therapy also helps partners clarify their relationship goals and assess their commitment levels. 

Combining Individual Therapy With Couples Counseling 

Recovering from an affair typically involves both individual and couples therapy. For the one who has been wronged, individual therapy provides a space to process emotions and consider whether to forgive or move forward. For the partner who cheated, individual therapy offers a space to explore and more deeply understand their actions and cope with their partners’ intense emotions. 

Recovery Phases

Drs. John & Julie Gottman are foremost researchers in the area of relationships. They point to three phases of recovery: atonement, attunement, and attachment.

1. Atonement

According to the Gottmans, the partner who had an affair must own up to their mistake, take accountability for the damage they caused, and dedicate themselves to repairing the rupture. For the atonement phase to be successful, the person who cheated must accept complete responsibility and demonstrate a great deal of patience and restraint in handling the consequences of their actions. 

2. Attunement

After the couple in a space of recovery and forgiveness, the focus changes to improving the relationship. Couples will acknowledge that there are unmet needs and issues – and work to resolve them. The goal is for each partner’s needs to be met in the relationship. There is more of a focus on building intimacy and trust through the emotional connection. 

3. Attachment

Once atonement and attunement take place, it’s time for the final phase: attachment, which is when sexual intimacy is explored. The partners have to be open to reconnecting with physical touch. Conversations around pleasure and what a meaningful sex life looks like for each partner are central to this phase. It may be hard for the partner who was cheated on to ever imagine getting to this phase, but if the first two phases are handled well, this should feel like the next natural step. 

Each of these phases of recovery from an affair can benefit tremendously from the guidance of a skilled couples therapist as well as individual therapy for each partner to help process feelings that come up during the entire healing process. 

When to Seek Therapy

If you’re dealing with the aftermath of infidelity, therapy is a wonderful and effective resource. It allows for a space to address underlying issues, improve communication, and work through emotional pain. This might lead to a renewed, more substantial relationship for some couples. For others, therapy might help process emotions and make a more amicable separation. Counseling can still be beneficial in cases where the relationship ends.

Choosing the Right Therapist

Selecting a therapist is a critical step in the recovery process. We recommend seeking someone out who has experience with infidelity cases. It’s crucial that both partners feel comfortable with the therapist and trust their approach. Consider interviewing a therapist before moving forward.  

Can A Relationship Be Stronger Than Before The Affair?

Infidelity is a challenging and painful experience, but therapy can offer a pathway to recovery. Whether through couples therapy, individual counseling, or both, addressing the underlying issues and working on communication can help heal the wounds and strengthen the relationship. Even if the relationship ultimately ends, therapy provides valuable tools for processing emotions and moving forward in a healthy way.

Sometimes we are pleasantly surprised to see what started out as a couple in complete despair report back that they feel happier and more connected than ever before due to a renewed focus on their relationship. Each partner plays a role in relationship issues. When accountability is taken and then the reasons for the disconnection are addressed by two open partners, a lot of healing can take place. 

Pausing on our everyday routine behaviors to take a look at each other’s needs and how we can better address them could make any relationship healthier, even after the aftermath of an affair. With both partners fully committed to addressing their issues and making the relationship work, there’s really no limit to how much better the relationship can get. 

We Are Here For You 

At Nashville Psych, our team of clinicians are well equipped to help you and your partner work through and heal from the pain of infidelity. Contact us today at Nashville Psych to learn how we can work with you today.