Why We All Need Boundaries & How To Maintain Them

If you are in any kind of relationship with another person, you have likely set a boundary – and for good reason! For example, if you are up to your eyeballs in work, you might ask a parent, friend, or partner to try to not interrupt you when you are working, unless it’s about something really urgent. As a child, when your sibling tried to use your toys or borrow your clothes, you likely attempted to create some boundaries around that.   

Boundaries are essential for cultivating healthy, mutually respectful relationships, at any age. While some people believe or fear that boundaries can create distance in relationships, the opposite is actually true in most cases. When appropriately managed, boundaries allow for closeness and safety in personal and professional relationships. They can function like fences, providing privacy and security between neighbors, delineating where one person’s individuality begins and another’s ends. These definitions and limits of acceptable behavior are crucial, fostering healthy relationships and personal growth. 

Recognizing and Setting Boundaries

Boundaries are the emotional, physical, and psychological limits we set in our relationship to maintain a sense of self and define what we are okay (and not okay) with. A boundary is not a way to control other’s actions! Rather, it is a way to clearly identify what is acceptable for you within the relationship. 

Some of us grew up without many boundaries, with boundaries that were not honored, or extremely rigid boundaries, all of which can lead to emotional challenges in relationships in adulthood. When we aren’t accustomed to thinking about our boundaries, we may not even realize when they have been crossed. We may notice negative feelings, but we may not connect the dots between a boundary crossing and our challenging experience. Recognizing when boundaries are crossed is essential for maintaining emotional and physical safety. Physical cues such as stomach discomfort or tightness in the chest often precede conscious recognition of boundaries being crossed.  Emotional cues of a boundary-crossing often include resentment, burnout, or anger. 

Setting boundaries effectively involves clear communication and self-awareness. It begins with understanding the reasons behind boundary setting in specific situations. Clarity, simplicity, practice, and consistency are crucial in establishing and maintaining boundaries. As Brene Brown notes, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” Brown uses the word “daring” because it’s not always easy to say, “no.” However, taking the time and energy to create healthy personal and professional boundaries is an investment that can pay off exponentially. 

Types of Healthy Boundaries

Types of boundaries include:

• Physical Boundaries allow us to clearly communicate our comfort level regarding personal space, physical touch, and other physical interactions with others. Example: “I’m not comfortable with hugs. In the future, let’s greet one another with a  high-five or a handshake instead.”  
• Emotional Boundaries protect our feelings and thoughts from being belittled or dismissed, and they allow us time to process our own emotions. Emotional boundaries can also provide an outline for our capacity to navigate others’emotions. Examples: “Today was really upsetting – and I need a little bit of space to process it. I will call you when I feel ready to discuss.” “I would prefer not to discuss this topic with you right now. Can we change the subject?” 
• Material/Financial Boundaries help us manage the use of personal resources, preventing potential exploitation or overextension. Example: “I don’t feel comfortable lending my car to you, but I’m glad to help you find a rental company.” 
• Time Boundaries support our management of availability and commitments, ensuring that our personal time is respected and maintained. Example: “Unfortunately, I can’t take that project on. I would be happy to help in the future when my schedule allows.” 

Boundaries in Family Systems

Boundaries are essential in family systems. They can vary significantly in families and impact individual development. Boundaries in a family system can range from non-existent to extremely rigid, including:

• Diffuse/Porous family boundaries are unclear or enmeshed boundaries that tend to be too loose or blurry. These can lead to uncertainty about who is responsible for what and what behavior is safe, which can also contribute to challenges to autonomy. When we don’t know our role or what is expected of us, we can feel unsafe and insecure. These types of boundaries are often found in people-pleasers, those with low self-esteem, or dependent individuals. 

• Rigid or closed boundaries are those that tend to be restrictive and unyielding. This leads to emotional distance and isolation, hindering emotional expression. Rigid boundaries are typically found in individuals seeking control and authority, perhaps to manage their own internal fears and anxieties. Those of us who had a parent who felt very distant and intolerant of our very normal child-like behavior experienced the negative impact of rigid boundaries. This can lead to future shame, perfectionism, dependency, and a fear of risk-taking.
• Flexible and clear boundaries are openly communicated. They support assertiveness and foster supportive relationships. Firm yet adaptable, these boundaries help us understand our roles and expectations.  When we know what is expected of us, we can feel safe and secure. 

Research shows that families with well-defined, flexible boundaries enable individuals to develop unique identities, interests, and skills. These healthy boundaries promote emotional well-being, self-control, and self-esteem throughout life. Individuals who lack exposure to healthy boundary-setting in childhood often struggle with interpersonal relationships and asserting themselves as adults.

Benefits of Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries empower us in various ways, such as:

• Asserting our needs while respecting others
• Communicating effectively without fear of rejection or conflict
• Upholding personal values and beliefs without compromising our integrity
• Maintaining balanced relationships that nurture mutual respect and understanding

Boundaries are crucial to healthy, balanced relationships. They safeguard individual identities, mental well-being, and physical comfort. They encourage autonomy, reduce codependence, set interaction expectations, and clarify relationship responsibilities. Boundaries extend into professional settings, where clear boundaries are crucial for maintaining work-life balance and preventing burnout. Blurred lines between work and personal life often increase stress and decrease job satisfaction.

Strategies for Establishing and Upholding Boundaries

Setting and maintaining reasonable boundaries is crucial for personal well-being and healthy relationships. However, they often feel hard to set and maintain – especially when it means saying “no,” or disappointing someone. It can feel really scary to go through this process alone. That’s why therapy is an ideal environment to explore boundaries using the following strategies: 

• Examining the types of boundaries present in our family of origin and their impact on our current relationships.
• Reflecting on how boundaries can help us in our current relationships. 
• Establishing them gradually, with patience, self-compassion, and care – and adjusting as needed.
• Setting boundaries early in new relationships.
• Maintaining consistency in enforcing boundaries. Why build a fence if we are going to let everyone climb it?
• Learning how to recognize boundary crossing – and how to communicate calmly and assertively when it happens. 
• Practicing self-care to reinforce self-worth and resilience.
• Maintaining flexibility and intuition in adapting boundaries to evolving situations.

Practice Makes Progress

By integrating these practices, individuals can effectively navigate relationships while safeguarding their emotional health and personal boundaries. Boundaries are not barriers to connection but essential guidelines that promote respect, autonomy, and healthy interactions in all aspects of life. We deserve to feel safe and secure in our relationships! 

If you need help establishing clear, healthy boundaries with friends, romantic partners, family, or colleagues, our team at Nashville Psych is here to help. We are equipped to help you establish boundaries that will help you and your loved ones thrive in your relationships. We invite you to give us a call at 6155822882 or email our client care team.